I might as well just admit it: It’s been an awful long time since I felt The Pattern. I haven’t felt jazzy in ages.
Oh, every now and again something feels around that has some kind of similarity, and I jazz it up for a while just in case, but inside me I know it really isn’t the same.
OK I’m worried. That I’m getting weak, that my memory of The Pattern is fading. What once was crisp now is blurred; once obvious, now dubious.
Could The Pattern maybe happen and I might not even recognize it?
That is a black thought indeed.
Could The Pattern have been an illusion all along? Could it be that I was wrong? Such an inconceivable thought; lately I can scarcely think anything else.
My purpose in the world is unclear. I jazz more often as time goes by, just jazzing with my jazzer to have something to do, I think. Maybe I jazz a little more when I feel some vague resemblance to the old Pattern.
Or maybe not; I really can’t tell anymore.
Who cares anyway?
Everything feels the same.
I just don’t see the point.